I don’t care how close you are, there’s always going to be some things left unsaid in a relationship. I don’t mean trivial little stuff like, “I farted that night we met your parents.” I mean deep, dark stuff. Stuff like this:

1) I don’t give a crap about your periods. OK, so I’ll be all sensitive and everything during ‘that time of the month’, but the fact is I don’t know what the fuss is all about. Sure, I’ve never
experienced it, but when you think about it, that’s a perfectly good reason to not care.

2) Can I please buy some dirty talk? I’m not saying euphemisms aren’t cute, but seriously, I am NOT in high school any more and being asked to “mess about” in areas “down there” is a little vague and excessively childish. Body parts have names for a reason, baby!

3) I cook better than you do. No, this does not mean you’re a particularly bad cook, it’s just that my mum didn’t pressurise me into learning how to cook which reflects in how much I enjoy cooking. You treat it like a job, with me it’s a hobby.

4) The whole thing about how you’re always late? It doesn’t bother me. Yes, I act all annoyed when you show up 20 minutes after we agreed to meet, but after the first 15 occasions where I’ve been standing at a crowded rail station for you, I pretty much got the message. You don’t know this, but I now show up 15 minutes late myself. Besides, there’s always time for people watching. (I’m still going to tell you off, though)

5) Yes, Jessica Alba is possibly hotter than you are. No, I don’t want to date her, I want to date you. Sure Jessica Alba is all fit and toned and curvy in the right places with a face of an angel, but here’s what really tips the scales in your favour: I’d have to lose you to date her. And that’s unacceptable.

6) Videogames are a part of my life. You knew this before you dated me, don’t complain now. When I got all excited about beating up hookers in Grand Theft Auto before we started dating you thought it was funny and cute – don’t backtrack now!

7) This may come as a shock to you, but I don’t know how to do some things. Yes, I know I’ve been troubleshooting every remotely technological aspect of your existence but there are some things even I can’t fix. I will never tell you this, you will just have to figure out what these things are yourself.

8) The whole women-at-work thing doesn’t bother me. I’m all for women working. In fact, I’m for it so much, I’d rather chill at home while you worked all day.

9) Yes, I was looking at another woman. So? You want to make something of it? This is a right granted to me by the fact that I have eyes. If I can let those “I want to do Hugh Jackman” comments slide, you can let this slide. It’s called quid pro quo.

10) I love you and I’d be screwed if you left me. I know this is a departure from my usual tough, hardcore, emotionally-dead male demeanor, but we’ll just pretend it never happened.

(This story was published a very long time ago for a youth magazine I used to freelance for. Not JLT, I would have remembered that.)