Like Tyler Durden and WH Auden both said in vastly different ways, only when you have hit rock bottom can you truly rise again. The fact that you’re actually reading this article and contemplating following its advice means that your journey for rock bottom has been reached. Congratulations, you’re a loser in love. Now let’s get that turned around, shall we?

STEP 1: Attitude Adjustment The first step to change is being willing to accept change. If you feel like you’re a loser, you ARE a loser. Can’t talk to girls? Never get noticed by the hot boys? Well, maybe your problem is that you’re afraid to try. The courage to walk up and start a conversation with someone is what you need and it doesn’t come in bottles or cans – you have to make it yourself. Try this: If you’re shy, or unsure, or even a little jittery, practice building a rapport with people of the same sex. Once you can walk up to a person of the same sex and strike up a conversation and part as friends, try it with the other sex. All you’ll have to do, with any luck, is visualize a gender change!

STEP 2: Reality Check So you don’t have a problem going up to people, but you just keep getting shot down, eh? Well, we’ll start at the beginning – know thyself. Make a list of your strengths and weaknesses. Jot down things that people might like and dislike about you, and list out possible solutions. Remember that this would also be a good time to get a nice haircut, a new wardrobe and invest in deo. This is your personal stock-taking session.

STEP 3: Down And Dirty Once you’ve got the personal grooming down and once you have a more or less positive attitude towards life and all that it can chuck at you, it’s time to go for it. Once more into the breach, which means you have to get out there and practice all you’ve learned. This does not mean walking up and using pick up lines or even riding around in a flash car. It means actually putting into practice the whole meeting people thing. There are tons of places to meet people, the hard part is saying hello. Remember not to demand sex at the very first meeting. In fact, keep everything short. The less they see / hear of you the very first time and the more interesting you are, the more likely they are to get back in touch, especially if the impression you make is a good one.

STEP 4: Follow Through All right, that was the easy bit. Now comes the harder part, the part where you have to convert your new friend into a significant other. This is tricky because if it were meant to happen, it’d happen, but you’re still going to have to work at it to make it happen. And they call this the best system ever. *Sigh* The fact of the matter is, you just have to be your regular nice self and see how things go. Never rush or force things upon the other person, unless they’re ok with that. Don’t be completely hung up about dating them either, you have to focus on the why and the what for. If you can’t point out to at least three or four really interesting things about them that you want to know more about / that you really like, it’s probably a bad idea. Don’t get into something just because everyone else is doing it. Getting a boyfriend or a girlfriend is less important than getting a boy / girlfriend who you LIKE. Never underestimate the truth of the previous line.

STEP 5: Popping The Question The best and easiest way is when both partners sort of instinctively know and realize what’s about to happen. I like to call this the, “we’re a we!!” moment, when nothing really needs to be said, as such. At the most, a simple confirmation of events might be needed. Still, this doesn’t always happen, so you have to be prepared to ask him / her directly. In that case, DO NOT do anything fancy. The absolute ritziest method should be to take them out to dinner. Any elaborate schemes / plans should be hacked to death mercilessly with a blunt ax and then burned at a stake. You DON’T want to hire a blimp and a megaphone, or even have it spelled out for her on the jerseys of her favorite cricket team. I don’t care if it worked in a movie. What they don’t show in the movies is the possibility that the girl / guy being asked might feel the tremendous pressure, say yes and then proceed to wonder what sort of psycho she’s dating. Instead, keep it subtle. A walk in your favorite part of town, followed by a light dinner and a question (ALWAYS make it sound incredibly casual, like you just thought of it) popped ever so subtly works wonders.

A very long time ago, I wrote this story for a magazine. I find that with time, some of this stuff is true and other stuff isn’t. Let me know whether you can relate to any of it, in the comments…