“You know, I hate it when this happens, it always happens.”

“What?”

“I’ll find some incredibly attractive woman, who looks at me, looks away and then does that whole daring me to come over and talk to her thing, and then I notice something about her that puts me off completely. Happened this morning, I can’t get my mind off it.”

“Uh-huh… What happened exactly?”

“She had Bambi legs.”

“What?”

“Bambi legs. Like the- ok look, there I was, at the train station, waiting for the train and I see this cute girl, right? She’s on her phone or something, and she’s got this vacant look in her eyes, but the thing is, she’s vacantly looking at me, like in my direction. It’s creeping me out, so I smile at her.”

“Which is a natural reaction for someone to do when something is creeping them out…”

“Whatever. Anyway, so I smile at her and she smiles back. When does THAT ever happen?”

“Never. Did you go speak to her?”

“No. That’s the whole point of the story. She smiles at me, I smile back, check her out one last time before going over to say hi and there they were. Bambi legs. Worst case I had ever seen, it looked like she had rickets.”

“What the hell are Bambi legs?”

“You’ve seen Bambi?”

“No.”

“Ok, well in the movie, there’s this scene, where Bambi’s just been born and taking some steps for the first time ever or something, and this newly foaled deer’s legs are the creepiest things you’ve ever seen recorded on film. That Walt Disney was some sort of pervert, I’ll tell you that much, my friend.”

“I’m not really getting a sense of how an animated deer’s legs could be remotely scary…”

“They bend backwards at the knee, dude. Like, our knees bend one way, the deers’ knees move the other.”

“Shit!”

“Yeah, really. And that chick on the station? Same damn thing.”

“How?”

“Who knows. Now do you see the predicament I was in?”

“Yeah. She was hot, though, right?”

“For a given value of hot. She was no Raima from accounts.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, if she had normal legs I would have spoken to her.”

“Sure, it’s the legs. Very important, no sense in being hasty, always pick the right woman and the right moment.”

“Exactly.”

“You do realise you’re an absolute moron.”

“Of course, completely.”

“You didn’t talk to someone because they had funny knees?”

“I’m pathetic, I deserve to be alone. Sometimes I’m incredibly pathetic.”

“Sometimes?”

“Don’t rub it in, I have enough trouble as it is.”

“Shut up, now. There’s that girl from accounts.”

“I will not shut up!”

“Yes you will, you’ve had your chance, now it’s my turn.”

“I’ll give you five bucks if you go speak to her.”

“You don’t have five bucks. Hell you don’t have one buck.”

“It’s the principle of the thing.”

“No it’s not, you really don’t have five bucks.”

“Whatever, dude.”

 

* This never happened. It’s what we call a ’story’.